Sunday, 26 June 2011

The asylum is being run by the lunatics...(Canadian Law Review)

Here in Canada we recently had an election where the incumbent party (insert Darth Vader theme) won but this time with enough votes to form a majority government. Now I'm not going to bore you with my usual diatribe about politics or the evils of putting pinheads in office. By now you're either in full agreement with me OR you're numb to my rantings.

BUT......One of the platform centerpieces of our new majority Conservative party is to start spending more on our prisons. Now crime rates have actually been dropping but the grand pubah in Ottawa is convinced that we need to lock more people up in order to make our streets safer. Forget the fact that his solution is expensive, unnecessary, unneeded, unwanted etc...He's convinced that we need more of our population behind bars for whatever offences exist on the books. Soooo....let's have a look at some of those offences that will result in either a fine or possibly incarceration here in our glorious Canada.

National Law
  • Every fifth song on Canadian radio must be by a Canadian born citizen.
  • You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.
  • Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
  • No one in Canada may watch or listen to an encrypted broadcast which is not licensed by the Canadian government. This means using US satellite systems such as "DirecTV" is illegal.
  • It is illegal for clear or non-dark sodas to contain caffeine.
  • It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them.
  • It is illegal to pretend to practice witchcraft.
  • Wooden logs may not be painted.
  • You may never use dice to play craps.
  • Businesses must provide rails for tying up horses.
  • If you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town.
  • In Calgary, it is unlawful to throw snowballs or set off firecrackers within the city, without the authorization of the mayor or City Council.
  • All bicycle riders must signal with the arm before making a turn, and a bicycle rider must keep both hands on the handlebars at all times" in Edmonton.
British Columbia
  • It is illegal to kill a Sasquatch.
  • A law requires jailers to bring convicted debtors a pint of beer on demand.
  • Anyone interrupting a meeting of the British Columbia Grasshopper Control Committee can be arrested.
  • In Burnaby all dogs must be under control by 10 pm or the owners will be penalized.
  • You are not allowed to wear a bathing suit while "loitering, playing or indulging in a sunbath" in any park or on the beach in Victoria.
  • A by-law forbids anyone from striking the sidewalk with a metal object in Winnipeg.
  • In Winnipeg, it is against the law to go naked in your own home if you leave the blinds up.
New Brunswick
  • Driving on the roads is not allowed.
Nova Scotia
  • When raining, a person may not water his/her lawn.
  • In Halifax, no citizen is allowed to chop wood on the sidewalk.
  • It is illegal for children to eat ice-cream cones on the streets on the Sabbath in Ottawa.
  • Theater owners are forbidden to start a movie that will end after 2 am in Toronto.
  • You are not allowed to saw wood on the streets, or wash your automobile in Toronto.
  • The speed limit is 80 kph for cars, but bicyclists have the right of way.
  • Bylaw states that no more than 3.5 inches of water is allowed in a bathtub.
  • If you have a water trough in your front yard it must be filled by 5:00 a.m
  • The color of house and garage doors is regulated by city bylaws (a purple door get you a fine).
  • It is also illegal to have a clothes line in your backyard.
  • You can't work on your car in the street.
  • It's illegal to climb trees.
  • You can't drag a dead horse down Yonge Street in Toronto on a Sunday.
  • You are not allowed to play a musical instrument in a park in Windsor, Ontario.
  • It is illegal to turn right on a red light at any time.
  • All business signs in the province of Quebec must be in French. If the business operator wishes to have English on the sign, the French must be at least twice as large as the English is.
  • It is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house.
  • You may not own a log cabin.
  • "For Sale" signs are not permitted in the windows of moving vehicles.
  • One's rear license plate may not be protected by glass or plastic.
  • You may not swear in French.
  • Citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street.
  • In Canada, It is illegal for a teen to walk down main street for Fort Qu'Appelle with their shoes untied.
  • It is illegal to try and catch fish with your hands in Saskatoon.

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