Monday, 26 December 2005


Taken from - Without permission but hey, you got credit !


Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving

Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia ( — After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

current location of australia

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."

former location of australia

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."

Tuesday, 20 December 2005

Imperial Assumptions

The article above in today's Washington Post reflects many of the views that any citizen of a democratic nation would hold after the latest revelations of the US' Administarion follies vis a vis Iraq and the 'War on Terror'.

For American's it's particularily painful because they themselves have elected this man Bush as their latest Czar / Emperor. Not once, but TWICE !

The question for non-US countires becomes 'Is our government doing this as well ?'.

I personally can't see my government actively pursuing some of the same policies as those of the Bush administration. Maybe I'm just hopeful or ignorant. But I do feel sorry for our American cousins.

Monday, 19 December 2005

Networking Pipeline

Networking Pipeline

The Gazillionaires at Google have caved in on ethics in order to secure a 5% stake of AOL.

According to this article, Google has agreed to give preferential listings for AOL Video content and not label them as advertisements.

It seems that we can no longer trust the impartiality of Google Search results. They'll muddy the waters as long as it fits with their expansionist ideas.

Tuesday, 13 December 2005

Why can't I own a Canadian ?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Monday, 12 December 2005

Handy Latin Phrases

Handy Latin Phrases

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

(At a barbeque)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

More Useful Latin

Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes
If you can read this you're over-educated

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Vidi Vici Veni
I saw, I conquered, I came

Vacca foeda
Stupid cow

Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.

Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!

Gramen artificiosum odi.
I hate Astroturf.

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don't call me, I'll call you.

Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn't rhyme.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.

Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.

Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!

Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.

Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

Radix lecti
Couch potato

Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.

Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.

Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.

Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!

Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nihil est--in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That's nothing--in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let's all wear mood rings!

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Politics 101

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Sunday, 11 December 2005

When can we meet ?

Calendar's are probably the last thing people are wishing for nowadays. We all know that there are X days till Christmas. Or should I call it "The Holidays" just to piss off the conservative right


I've been using computers for one thing or another since I was about 14. In all that time, the most used application (besides email) has to be a daily planner (MS' Outlook with Palm). Now there are rumors that Google is thinking of releasing one. Something online, a webby day-timer, a way for me to actually plan my day sans laptop / PDA / Paper thingy (insert internet cafe plug here).

I only wish that Google would get off it's rump and finally release the thing ! Teasers are good for marketing, they build hype...but abortive teasers lead to frustration. How hard can it be to release the damned thing ? Microsoft did it, so did Yahoo..Is Google looking to trump someone else or is Google merely looking to time this for Xmas ?


Saturday, 12 November 2005

To slick to indict !

A few days ago I was watching John Stewart (recommended viewing for all) and heard/saw the preliminaries of testimony delivered by the CEOs of the top 5 oil companies. Much to my dismay, it seemed that while the US Govt wanted to appear to be doing something, they didn't actually want to do anything, other than appear on TV.

I'm an optimist you see, someone who thinks that any government which stands under the banner of "by the people, for the people" should occasionally work FOR THE PEOPLE !! Yet again, it seems that the US Govt has done some soul searching, found nothing of value and instead looked at their chequing accounts.

A lady of the US Senate brought a motion before the panel asking whether the 5 CEOs should be sworn in. This implies that they wouldn't have told the truth in the first place ! Then she was rebuffed by her senior and the motion appeared quashed, until a "second the motion" from another senator was uttered...again rebuffed.

Does this mean that a motion, raised in a hearing, of the Senate of the US Govt, a motion seconded by another Senator has no bearing anymore ? Is the chairman of this particular body so powerful that he can allow his financial backers the opportunity to speak, without obligation to truth, on a limited set of controlled and pre-screened questions ?

People, these companies just made BILLIONS of dollars profit in a time when the average American, Canadian, European (etc.) was tightening his/her belt in order to feed gas to the car or stock the home for winter ! More importantly, they made it while prices on the market were dropping, when we all should've been paying less, yet we were all getting gouged and all the US Senate has to say about the matter is "These execs don't have to tell the truth".

Now, I am anti the "Current US Administration". I think that's obvious. I see so many faults but I also see many opportunities. For example, take every senator...EVERYONE...including Cheney (President of the Senate) them to North Dakota (on their dime..out of their pocket), situate them in an average home (I mean the state average), give them an average income (again, the state average and not theirs), and then ask them to live through a winter.

No outside influence allowed. None, nothng, nada ! No silk sheets, no fax machine, no cell phone and if they want to check their email, better sign up with NetZero or whatever else there is there. I'd like to see a Senator balancing his/her personal finances while accounting for food/heat/shelter/ gas for the car/taxes.

Merry Xmas everyone..Under the tree of every "high" government official will be a stack of presents. Paid for by all of us minions. Never thought that government was a route to easy money, instead I was raised to think that it should be a route of sacrifice for the better.

Sunday, 23 October 2005

Patents & Monopoly vs. People

Taken from Slashdot this morning, this little diddy had me wondering...

"The Taiwanese government has announced that it will violate patent laws to manufacture a drug that can help fight bird flu virus. In doing so, they have spelled out their reasoning very clearly: 'We have tried our best to negotiate with Roche, it means we have shown our goodwill to Roche and we appreciate their patent. But to protect our people is the utmost important thing'. Not being in Taiwan, this makes me wonder how bad the situation would have to be for some of the other governments to follow a path of violating patent and copyright laws for the benefit of the general population. Are there precedents, procedures for doing so?"

While I recognize the efforts of the scientists / researchers and the need to satisfy shareholders, I must question the prudence of withholding information that could save lives.

I was on the phone with my parents earlier and both of them expressed concern about "Bird Flu". Sheesh, I woke up with sniffles and thought of it. The eggheads say that this thing could rival the epidemic experienced in the early 1900's !! Do you know that Europe lost countless lives in that one ? This thing is a fucking killer !!

If Roche, or any other company has ANYTHING that can help curtail the spread / infection / viability of this "Bird Flu"..shouldn't they offer it to others..Freely and with all good speed ? I invest, I invest money in the hopes of a better future for myself and those close to me but I am willing to take a hit in the pocketbook if lives are at stake !

My $0.02 worth

By the way, here's ROCHE's financial tell me if they're suffering

Saturday, 22 October 2005

Top 10 Bush-isms

10) "I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me." —Nashville, Tenn., May 27, 2004

9) "Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling." —Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004

8) "Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 17, 2004

7) "I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous spacial entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country." —Washington, D.C. Jan. 14, 2004

6) "We will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete their missions. That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental — supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel." —Erie, Pa., Sept. 4, 2004

5) "After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week — we will have an all-volunteer army!" —Daytona Beach, Fla., Oct. 16, 2004

4) "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a — you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004

3) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

2) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

1) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

White House Watch: Cheney resignation rumors fly

In this article it is suggested that in the wake of the Rove / Libby / CIA Leak case in Washington the US Vice President may step aside allowing Bush to elevate Condoleeza Rice to the VP slot.

Now, the thought of Cheney finally skulking away is something to bring a smile to many faces. He's the cumdrugeon of the administration. In fact, I've heard the word "Crusty" bandied about..and that's being generous some would say. However, the flip side of this is the elevation of Ms. Rice to the Vice Presidency.

Scary thought there. Rice is the Ultra-Hawk / Die-Hard Bush groupie "Grizelda" to Cheney's Haliburton Grinch of the administration. While I believe that Rice is an intelligent lady and one of firmly held beliefs, would she be any better than good 'ol "Crusty" ?

Only time will tell.

Friday, 21 October 2005

Aide Says FEMA Ignored Warnings

Having just read an article in the Washington Post, I am somewhat dismayed at the general attitude of CYA in Washington. While I've always suspected that most bureaucrats & politicians are self serving scum, this has got to be the greatest confirmation....This week.

Apparently, during the height of the problems caused by Hurricane Katrina, a single FEMA staffer was frantically emailing his superiors giving them updates on the situation as it degraded.

Meanwhile, Mr. Brown (former FEMA head) was more concerned that he get a good table at a restaurant for his dinner.

Mr. Brown has claimed in sessions with the US Senate that he was recieving "conflicting reports" about the severity of the problems. That he didn't know the extent of the damage, wasn't being informed..etc..etc... And yet, apparently at the peak of the damage, there was only one FEMA staffer in New Orleans. Question: Who else was in a position to be offering him these conflicting reports ?

Looks like Brown is more interested in covering his own hide, blame the problems on others, and not do what even President Bush ultimately did (begrudgingly though)...and that was to accept responsibility. Granted, Bush was contrite and was merely responding to a public outcry and trying to forstall his declining public approval, but at least he stood up.

Mr. Brown instead demonstrated how inept he is an an administrator, and more to the point, demonstrated that he has the moral character of a slug !

Don't worry though, he'll probably be posted to another job where his remarkable skills can shine again....Like Saftey Manager at NASA maybe ?

Thursday, 20 October 2005

The idiocy of the US Senate - One of MANY

What's it worth to make sure nothing gets between Americans and their TV sets?

Senate Commerce Committee Chairman Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) thinks $3 billion is about right. That's what he proposed yesterday to spend to make sure TVs don't go blank when broadcasters switch to digital signals in about four years.

The money would subsidize the cost of set-top boxes to convert digital signals to play on the old analog sets that millions of people without cable or satellite TV rely on. Under Stevens's proposal, people would make a $10 co-payment for the boxes and the government would absorb the rest of the cost. The cash would come from an estimated $10 billion to be raised from auctioning the spectrum when analog broadcasts end.

Taken from a Washington Post Article on Thursday, October 20th, 2005.

Now, I've got to admit that I watch TV. It's a source of entertainment, news and a good old fashioned 'boredom killer'. I think that everyone should have access to at least their own basic local news and programming, and if that comes through on the bunny ear antennas on top of the set, then so be it. I also think that if you want access to the premium channels then you should pay for them, though I think that the cable companies are charging too much considering the fact that they make money through advertising revenue which should be subsidizing their monthly access fees as opposed to just going into their pockets...but I digress.

The US Senate proposing a subsidy of 3 Billion (or even 1 Billion) so that people can still get TV is just plain ludicrious ! Lets see, the US Government has spent a few hundred Billion in the Iraq effort, there is the cost of reconstruction after all the Hurricanes, the ongoing costs associated with Bush's own spending spree on other issues and NOW they want to drop another few Billion on subsidizing people's ability to watch TELEVISION ?!?

Sony, Hitachi, RCA, Zenith etc...Take one for the team and drop the costs of your basic digital TV sets. Shareholder value is one thing, price gouging the citizens is another thing entirely.

As for the US Senate, why don't you try to keep your hands off of money...Period !! If you think it's more important to subsidize TV access than it is to trim spending, getting your country a little bit out of debt, or heaven forbid, to actually spend that 3 Billion on something tangible like books for schools than you definately have your priorities sadly misplaced.

People, that 3,000 Million dollars being spent to subsidize a little box so people can watch TV !!
For those of you a bit curious about the resulting math of all this, think about the following.

Based on the US population, that all works out to $10 for every citizen. That's every Man, Woman and child in the USA ! Not much of a subsidy if you ask me. But I bet that for the few million people directly affected by the Hurricanes, a $1000 + subsidy would sure go a long way !!

Monday, 13 June 2005

Finally, Prez Bush let's the world know what he thinks of global opinion regarding the USA ! Posted by Hello

A friend of mine who lives in souther New Zealand sent this to me. "Southern Lights" of the prettiest things to watch if you ever get a chance ! Posted by Hello

$800 Canadian for this ?!?

Yes, for a mere $800 Canadian you too can have something that will end up being the most expensive floppy disk / flash drive & datebook replacement in history !! Granted, it looks nice, probably has a lot of kewl features and will even check your email, but get serious PALM...people buy old cars, week long vacations, entire computer systems for the same price as this....gadget !!

Drop the cost to something about half what you're charging and then we're looking at something people can afford and WILL buy !Posted by Hello

Thursday, 24 February 2005

Fashion Faux Pas

I've got a question for ya. It's gonna be a tough one but please bear with me. I mean it might even make you think a bit.

Where do these kids nowadays get their fashion advice ? I'm serious. I wanna know where !!
I was walking downtown today and ended up in the Eaton Center (it's a big mall here for those of you non Tor-ana people). Anyways, here I am strolling through picking up a few must have items and I found myself wondering about the fashion sense (or lack of it) in the kids I saw.

Now I'm not one of these GQ fashion purists. I don't have a tailor, I don't have a fashion consultant (we broke up a little over a year ago) but I know enough about clothes and general appearance to know right from wrong. Maybe I learned it watching TV or the movies, maybe I learned it watching my friends in school & work. But none the less, I have learned a few fashion faux pas that should be avoided. seems that a few of these lessons have managed to skip the latest batch of teens out there. So here goes with WhoGotYa's do's & don'ts for dress.

  • If yer a fat chick - DO NOT wear those little Britney Spears cutoff t-shirts.
    No matter how many times your girlfriends say you look fine and no matter what the latest magazines say, that little roll over yer pants is not appealing. Especially when you let it kinda flap out in the open like that.... (I said fat cause calling someone "big boned" or "large" is just another way of saying FAT and I like being honest, not honestly nice)
  • If yer a skinny, rakishly thin, almost anorexic chick - DO NOT wear those little Britney Spears cutoff t-shirts.
    Again, no matter what the magazines tell you, thin is in...looking at yer anemic little ribs ain't. Do us all a favor, quit smoking, eat some food (not too much though - see above) and remember that the washboard look is great for abs but not sides...
  • If yer a young man - DO NOT just try to grow a beard.
    Beards are great if yer able to actually grow a full one, goatees are the same. But if yer some 15yr old with the first initial sprouts of facial hair do us all a favor. Look in the mirror you schmuck. You look like a balding freakin' billy goat !! Wait till yer hormones catch up with ya and till then...scrub that crap off yer face. Half a dozen wispy little strands aren't gonna make you look manly and they pose a fire hazard to yourself. Shave ya pinhead !!
  • If yer a teenage / early 20'ish woman - DO NOT wear those damn platform shoes.
    You may be vertically challenged (put simply, you may be descended from Hobbits) but that is NOT an excuse to go out and buy those damn shoes that remind me of Frankenstein movies. I'm sorry, but if you think that wearing 3-4-5-6 inches of rubber sole on the bottom of those nasty, genuine-fake vinyl, thigh high, CFM boots is gonna make you any hotter to the boys, imagine their sense of disappointment when they get you home and de-booted only to discover your Hobbit lineage !! (these boots are only good if yer some kid trying to cheat the height limits on amusement rides)
  • If yer under the age of 70 - DO NOT wear plaid.
    Now I know it may be chic, I mean I've seen a few fashion shows in real life where you see the tall gorgeous models wearing plaid jackets or pants. Wake up and have a Jolt Cola ya damn kid !! They can wear that shit cause they're high priced, attractive people who'd look good wearing fuckin' hefty bags. In reality, plaid is just another attempt to screw with yer chances at getting lucky. It's kinda hard to mean it when you say "Wow, that woman in the plaid pants is a hottie !!"
  • If yer a human being - DO NOT get pierced in more than 2 places.
    Now I'm not gonna rant on ya for getting yer ears pierced (I have my ear pierced), nor am I gonna rant on ya for getting yer nipples or belly button pierced, though I think it would hurt like hell for minimal return. Getting your lips (mouth lips ya pervs) pierced is just plain dumb. No reason to do it except to give me something to thread some twine through to shut you up as you protest yer right to be a FREAK !!

    As for the women getting their tongue pierced, I've heard that it can be pleasurable in certain circumstances but that's a hell of a price to pay to improve that one talent. And add to that the fact that you might please him in private with that little metal nub, chances are he ain't gonna introduce you to MOM... (also, nowadays, metal detectors are everywhere. Too many piercings increase yer chances of being frisked and then having yer X stash discovered !!)
  • If you're a man - DO NOT wear the pants that hang below yer ass
    A simple test is this. If yer wallet is in yer back pocket BUT you hafta reach down near your knees to fish out a $20 to pay for the movie...WARNING !! Underwear are meant to be under whatever it is you're wearing. I don't need to see the Calvin band showing to highlight your preference in undergarments. And as for yer ass being out in the breeze, well bub, it just ain't right. Freakin monkeys have more modesty. Buy a belt and use it to hold yer pants up ya sagging lump o' hip-hoppin' Backstreet wanna be...
  • If yer an attractive woman who is built like Britney Spears - DO NOT dress like Britney Spears
    The male population appreciates your advertising your ummm....attributes but unfortunately you will drive us to distraction. Worse than that, we have to take the mental picture of you with us when we face our ladies at home. Thanx for the memories but men are simple, we confuse easily and certainly don't need your help. But if yer still determined to...can I have yer number ??

Tuesday, 22 February 2005

Farewell to Raoul Duke

We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold.I remember saying something like 'I feel a bit lightheaded, maybe you should drive....'
And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas.

And a voice was screaming 'Holy Jesus ! What are these goddamn animals ?'
Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and was pouing beer on his chest to facilitate the tanning process. 'What the hell are you yelling about?' he muttered, staring up at the sun with his eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses.

'Never mind' I said. 'It's your turn to drive' I hit the brakes and aimed the Great Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point mentioning those bats, I thought. The poor bastrad will see them soon enough..........

The trunk of the car looked like a mobile police narcotics lab. We had two bags of grass,seventy five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.

The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.

That's how Hunter S. Thompson started out his book 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'. I was 18 years old and my girlfriend at the time, Ashley, had given me the book to read. If only she'd known the impact the book would have on me. I was an introverted extrovert teen looking for a creative outlet and in Thompson's book I found an outlet that seemd to fit just right.

The book was hillarious, twisted, full of images that appealed to a young man. Adventure on the road, beer, half rambling and half charging through life. Highschool had introduced me to smoking grass, to drinking beer and a few other things that are best left un-said. But here was a larger than life character who took it all to the extremes, to the edge and back. Kinda like running to the edge of the cliff and hoping the tether you'd tied to prevented a total freefall into the abyss.

Needless to say, the book was appealing and then Bill Murray came out starring as Raoul Duke in the movie "Where the Buffalo Roam". Both left their mark on me, I identified with the character. Afterall, isn't that one of the goals of any writer ? Being able to touch a person through your words & imagery ?

Well Hunter, in me you suceeded. You will be missed.


Friday, 18 February 2005

Buy 1 Get NONE for free

New fangled television advertising...Hrmmm..what a lofty topic for a little rant.

I just finished reading a magazine article about the new advertising tactics used by major corporations to peddle their wares to to common folk. As if commercials on tv, in the movie theaters, on bilboards, on the radio, in magazines, in your email, on the web, on your clothing etc. just wasn't enough. Hell, there's even people advertising on their bodies ! (see the CNN report about the pregnant woman who auctioned space on her belly for advertising)

Well, now the advertising moguls have noticed that today's consumer is becoming more and more intollerant of crappy commercials interrupting their programs with greater & greater frequency. TiVo seems to have been made for the sole purpose of skipping / fast forwarding through the ads.

Well, no more !

Now we are seeing the beginning of "brand integration" in our more popular shows. You'll no longer be able to watch XYZ program without the host / characters interacting exclusively with a particular brand of product(s). Imagine someone like John Stewart being stuck with drinking his daily beverage out of a coke can ? Red & white lettering screaming out to every teen & young adult that 'hey, John Stewart drinks coke, maybe I should too if I wanna be that funny & cynical' .

I think it's time for the advertisers to recognize that the more they try to cram their products down our throats the sooner will come the day when as a mass we tell Tide, Blockbuster, Coke etc. to back off.

I don't know about you but I'm not overly concerned with anyone's preference in beverage, hygene products or make of car. I am concerned however with the increasing airtime devoted to advertising. Hell, the show 60 Minutes is in reality something like 40 minutes because of all the ads they have to run.

Tuesday, 15 February 2005

Can you guess who I am ?

I'm in my forties, wealthy beyond the average person's imagination, eccentric & an accused pedophile. I used to be darker skinned and had a normal face but now I look more & more like Diana Ross after a good dusting with talcum powder. I've got my own web page, legal team, defense fund, body guards, pimps, publicists, makeup artists, hair stylists and...did I mention legal team ?

Now that I'm on trial (again !) for child molestation the public has begun to question my morals & my character. I was sincere when I said that sharing your bed with young boys was a healthy thing to do. I mean we were only playing, you know, goofing around.

Sure we had a few glasses of wine (thank god it was white cause it would've stained his bib had it been a red) but it had been a long hard day and we wanted to unwind. As for the videos & pictures that the prosecution discovered in my home, those were just art !

Just ask Liz Taylor (if she's sober) or Corey Feldman...better yet, don't ask Corey. My pets would gladly tell you but only I can hear them so I'd have to translate for you. You could ask my kids but they're off in Neverland doing their foundtation/rouge/lipstick homework. You could also ask their biological mother but she signed a confidientially agreement that prohibits her from even mentioning my name.

Now that the trial is revving up with all those jurists being selected I have to ask, why am I not being tried by a jury of my peers ? Aren't there any available quacks out there ? Preferably under the age of 12 ? What about cartoon characters ? I'm sure that a few of them aren't working right now.

Anyways, I've got to get going now. Tito wants to come over tonight for some good old fashioned jello wrestling and I don't have a thing to wear !