Thursday, 24 February 2005

Fashion Faux Pas

I've got a question for ya. It's gonna be a tough one but please bear with me. I mean it might even make you think a bit.

Where do these kids nowadays get their fashion advice ? I'm serious. I wanna know where !!
I was walking downtown today and ended up in the Eaton Center (it's a big mall here for those of you non Tor-ana people). Anyways, here I am strolling through picking up a few must have items and I found myself wondering about the fashion sense (or lack of it) in the kids I saw.

Now I'm not one of these GQ fashion purists. I don't have a tailor, I don't have a fashion consultant (we broke up a little over a year ago) but I know enough about clothes and general appearance to know right from wrong. Maybe I learned it watching TV or the movies, maybe I learned it watching my friends in school & work. But none the less, I have learned a few fashion faux pas that should be avoided. seems that a few of these lessons have managed to skip the latest batch of teens out there. So here goes with WhoGotYa's do's & don'ts for dress.

  • If yer a fat chick - DO NOT wear those little Britney Spears cutoff t-shirts.
    No matter how many times your girlfriends say you look fine and no matter what the latest magazines say, that little roll over yer pants is not appealing. Especially when you let it kinda flap out in the open like that.... (I said fat cause calling someone "big boned" or "large" is just another way of saying FAT and I like being honest, not honestly nice)
  • If yer a skinny, rakishly thin, almost anorexic chick - DO NOT wear those little Britney Spears cutoff t-shirts.
    Again, no matter what the magazines tell you, thin is in...looking at yer anemic little ribs ain't. Do us all a favor, quit smoking, eat some food (not too much though - see above) and remember that the washboard look is great for abs but not sides...
  • If yer a young man - DO NOT just try to grow a beard.
    Beards are great if yer able to actually grow a full one, goatees are the same. But if yer some 15yr old with the first initial sprouts of facial hair do us all a favor. Look in the mirror you schmuck. You look like a balding freakin' billy goat !! Wait till yer hormones catch up with ya and till then...scrub that crap off yer face. Half a dozen wispy little strands aren't gonna make you look manly and they pose a fire hazard to yourself. Shave ya pinhead !!
  • If yer a teenage / early 20'ish woman - DO NOT wear those damn platform shoes.
    You may be vertically challenged (put simply, you may be descended from Hobbits) but that is NOT an excuse to go out and buy those damn shoes that remind me of Frankenstein movies. I'm sorry, but if you think that wearing 3-4-5-6 inches of rubber sole on the bottom of those nasty, genuine-fake vinyl, thigh high, CFM boots is gonna make you any hotter to the boys, imagine their sense of disappointment when they get you home and de-booted only to discover your Hobbit lineage !! (these boots are only good if yer some kid trying to cheat the height limits on amusement rides)
  • If yer under the age of 70 - DO NOT wear plaid.
    Now I know it may be chic, I mean I've seen a few fashion shows in real life where you see the tall gorgeous models wearing plaid jackets or pants. Wake up and have a Jolt Cola ya damn kid !! They can wear that shit cause they're high priced, attractive people who'd look good wearing fuckin' hefty bags. In reality, plaid is just another attempt to screw with yer chances at getting lucky. It's kinda hard to mean it when you say "Wow, that woman in the plaid pants is a hottie !!"
  • If yer a human being - DO NOT get pierced in more than 2 places.
    Now I'm not gonna rant on ya for getting yer ears pierced (I have my ear pierced), nor am I gonna rant on ya for getting yer nipples or belly button pierced, though I think it would hurt like hell for minimal return. Getting your lips (mouth lips ya pervs) pierced is just plain dumb. No reason to do it except to give me something to thread some twine through to shut you up as you protest yer right to be a FREAK !!

    As for the women getting their tongue pierced, I've heard that it can be pleasurable in certain circumstances but that's a hell of a price to pay to improve that one talent. And add to that the fact that you might please him in private with that little metal nub, chances are he ain't gonna introduce you to MOM... (also, nowadays, metal detectors are everywhere. Too many piercings increase yer chances of being frisked and then having yer X stash discovered !!)
  • If you're a man - DO NOT wear the pants that hang below yer ass
    A simple test is this. If yer wallet is in yer back pocket BUT you hafta reach down near your knees to fish out a $20 to pay for the movie...WARNING !! Underwear are meant to be under whatever it is you're wearing. I don't need to see the Calvin band showing to highlight your preference in undergarments. And as for yer ass being out in the breeze, well bub, it just ain't right. Freakin monkeys have more modesty. Buy a belt and use it to hold yer pants up ya sagging lump o' hip-hoppin' Backstreet wanna be...
  • If yer an attractive woman who is built like Britney Spears - DO NOT dress like Britney Spears
    The male population appreciates your advertising your ummm....attributes but unfortunately you will drive us to distraction. Worse than that, we have to take the mental picture of you with us when we face our ladies at home. Thanx for the memories but men are simple, we confuse easily and certainly don't need your help. But if yer still determined to...can I have yer number ??

Tuesday, 22 February 2005

Farewell to Raoul Duke

We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold.I remember saying something like 'I feel a bit lightheaded, maybe you should drive....'
And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas.

And a voice was screaming 'Holy Jesus ! What are these goddamn animals ?'
Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and was pouing beer on his chest to facilitate the tanning process. 'What the hell are you yelling about?' he muttered, staring up at the sun with his eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses.

'Never mind' I said. 'It's your turn to drive' I hit the brakes and aimed the Great Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point mentioning those bats, I thought. The poor bastrad will see them soon enough..........

The trunk of the car looked like a mobile police narcotics lab. We had two bags of grass,seventy five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.

The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.

That's how Hunter S. Thompson started out his book 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'. I was 18 years old and my girlfriend at the time, Ashley, had given me the book to read. If only she'd known the impact the book would have on me. I was an introverted extrovert teen looking for a creative outlet and in Thompson's book I found an outlet that seemd to fit just right.

The book was hillarious, twisted, full of images that appealed to a young man. Adventure on the road, beer, half rambling and half charging through life. Highschool had introduced me to smoking grass, to drinking beer and a few other things that are best left un-said. But here was a larger than life character who took it all to the extremes, to the edge and back. Kinda like running to the edge of the cliff and hoping the tether you'd tied to prevented a total freefall into the abyss.

Needless to say, the book was appealing and then Bill Murray came out starring as Raoul Duke in the movie "Where the Buffalo Roam". Both left their mark on me, I identified with the character. Afterall, isn't that one of the goals of any writer ? Being able to touch a person through your words & imagery ?

Well Hunter, in me you suceeded. You will be missed.


Friday, 18 February 2005

Buy 1 Get NONE for free

New fangled television advertising...Hrmmm..what a lofty topic for a little rant.

I just finished reading a magazine article about the new advertising tactics used by major corporations to peddle their wares to to common folk. As if commercials on tv, in the movie theaters, on bilboards, on the radio, in magazines, in your email, on the web, on your clothing etc. just wasn't enough. Hell, there's even people advertising on their bodies ! (see the CNN report about the pregnant woman who auctioned space on her belly for advertising)

Well, now the advertising moguls have noticed that today's consumer is becoming more and more intollerant of crappy commercials interrupting their programs with greater & greater frequency. TiVo seems to have been made for the sole purpose of skipping / fast forwarding through the ads.

Well, no more !

Now we are seeing the beginning of "brand integration" in our more popular shows. You'll no longer be able to watch XYZ program without the host / characters interacting exclusively with a particular brand of product(s). Imagine someone like John Stewart being stuck with drinking his daily beverage out of a coke can ? Red & white lettering screaming out to every teen & young adult that 'hey, John Stewart drinks coke, maybe I should too if I wanna be that funny & cynical' .

I think it's time for the advertisers to recognize that the more they try to cram their products down our throats the sooner will come the day when as a mass we tell Tide, Blockbuster, Coke etc. to back off.

I don't know about you but I'm not overly concerned with anyone's preference in beverage, hygene products or make of car. I am concerned however with the increasing airtime devoted to advertising. Hell, the show 60 Minutes is in reality something like 40 minutes because of all the ads they have to run.

Tuesday, 15 February 2005

Can you guess who I am ?

I'm in my forties, wealthy beyond the average person's imagination, eccentric & an accused pedophile. I used to be darker skinned and had a normal face but now I look more & more like Diana Ross after a good dusting with talcum powder. I've got my own web page, legal team, defense fund, body guards, pimps, publicists, makeup artists, hair stylists and...did I mention legal team ?

Now that I'm on trial (again !) for child molestation the public has begun to question my morals & my character. I was sincere when I said that sharing your bed with young boys was a healthy thing to do. I mean we were only playing, you know, goofing around.

Sure we had a few glasses of wine (thank god it was white cause it would've stained his bib had it been a red) but it had been a long hard day and we wanted to unwind. As for the videos & pictures that the prosecution discovered in my home, those were just art !

Just ask Liz Taylor (if she's sober) or Corey Feldman...better yet, don't ask Corey. My pets would gladly tell you but only I can hear them so I'd have to translate for you. You could ask my kids but they're off in Neverland doing their foundtation/rouge/lipstick homework. You could also ask their biological mother but she signed a confidientially agreement that prohibits her from even mentioning my name.

Now that the trial is revving up with all those jurists being selected I have to ask, why am I not being tried by a jury of my peers ? Aren't there any available quacks out there ? Preferably under the age of 12 ? What about cartoon characters ? I'm sure that a few of them aren't working right now.

Anyways, I've got to get going now. Tito wants to come over tonight for some good old fashioned jello wrestling and I don't have a thing to wear !