Fashion Faux Pas

I've got a question for ya. It's gonna be a tough one but please bear with me. I mean it might even make you think a bit.

Where do these kids nowadays get their fashion advice ? I'm serious. I wanna know where !!
I was walking downtown today and ended up in the Eaton Center (it's a big mall here for those of you non Tor-ana people). Anyways, here I am strolling through picking up a few must have items and I found myself wondering about the fashion sense (or lack of it) in the kids I saw.

Now I'm not one of these GQ fashion purists. I don't have a tailor, I don't have a fashion consultant (we broke up a little over a year ago) but I know enough about clothes and general appearance to know right from wrong. Maybe I learned it watching TV or the movies, maybe I learned it watching my friends in school & work. But none the less, I have learned a few fashion faux pas that should be avoided.

Well...it seems that a few of these lessons have managed to skip the latest batch of teens out there. So here goes with WhoGotYa's do's & don'ts for dress.

• If yer a fat chick - DO NOT wear those little Britney Spears cutoff t-shirts.
  No matter how many times your girlfriends say you look fine and no matter what the latest magazines say, that little roll over yer pants is not appealing. Especially when you let it kinda flap out in the open like that.... (I said fat cause calling someone "big boned" or "large" is just another way of saying FAT and I like being honest, not honestly nice)
• If yer a skinny, rakishly thin, almost anorexic chick - DO NOT wear those little Britney Spears cutoff t-shirts.
  Again, no matter what the magazines tell you, thin is in...looking at yer anemic little ribs ain't. Do us all a favor, quit smoking, eat some food (not too much though - see above) and remember that the washboard look is great for abs but not sides...
• If yer a young man - DO NOT just try to grow a beard.
  Beards are great if yer able to actually grow a full one, goatees are the same. But if yer some 15yr old with the first initial sprouts of facial hair do us all a favor. Look in the mirror you schmuck. You look like a balding freakin' billy goat !! Wait till yer hormones catch up with ya and till then...scrub that crap off yer face. Half a dozen wispy little strands aren't gonna make you look manly and they pose a fire hazard to yourself. Shave ya pinhead !!
• If yer a teenage / early 20'ish woman - DO NOT wear those damn platform shoes.
  You may be vertically challenged (put simply, you may be descended from Hobbits) but that is NOT an excuse to go out and buy those damn shoes that remind me of Frankenstein movies. I'm sorry, but if you think that wearing 3-4-5-6 inches of rubber sole on the bottom of those nasty, genuine-fake vinyl, thigh high, CFM boots is gonna make you any hotter to the boys, imagine their sense of disappointment when they get you home and de-booted only to discover your Hobbit lineage !! (these boots are only good if yer some kid trying to cheat the height limits on amusement rides)
• If yer under the age of 70 - DO NOT wear plaid.
  Now I know it may be chic, I mean I've seen a few fashion shows in real life where you see the tall gorgeous models wearing plaid jackets or pants. Wake up and have a Jolt Cola ya damn kid !! They can wear that shit cause they're high priced, attractive people who'd look good wearing fuckin' hefty bags. In reality, plaid is just another attempt to screw with yer chances at getting lucky. It's kinda hard to mean it when you say "Wow, that woman in the plaid pants is a hottie !!"
• If yer a human being - DO NOT get pierced in more than 2 places.
  Now I'm not gonna rant on ya for getting yer ears pierced (I have my ear pierced), nor am I gonna rant on ya for getting yer nipples or belly button pierced, though I think it would hurt like hell for minimal return. Getting your lips (mouth lips ya pervs) pierced is just plain dumb. No reason to do it except to give me something to thread some twine through to shut you up as you protest yer right to be a FREAK !!
  
  As for the women getting their tongue pierced, I've heard that it can be pleasurable in certain circumstances but that's a hell of a price to pay to improve that one talent. And add to that the fact that you might please him in private with that little metal nub, chances are he ain't gonna introduce you to MOM... (also, nowadays, metal detectors are everywhere. Too many piercings increase yer chances of being frisked and then having yer X stash discovered !!)
• If you're a man - DO NOT wear the pants that hang below yer ass
  A simple test is this. If yer wallet is in yer back pocket BUT you hafta reach down near your knees to fish out a $20 to pay for the movie...WARNING !! Underwear are meant to be under whatever it is you're wearing. I don't need to see the Calvin band showing to highlight your preference in undergarments. And as for yer ass being out in the breeze, well bub, it just ain't right. Freakin monkeys have more modesty. Buy a belt and use it to hold yer pants up ya sagging lump o' hip-hoppin' Backstreet wanna be...
• If yer an attractive woman who is built like Britney Spears - DO NOT dress like Britney Spears
  The male population appreciates your advertising your ummm....attributes but unfortunately you will drive us to distraction. Worse than that, we have to take the mental picture of you with us when we face our ladies at home. Thanx for the memories but men are simple, we confuse easily and certainly don't need your help. But if yer still determined to...can I have yer number ??